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Sunday February 24th 2008 |12:54am| Waking up beside you - Stabbing Westward I've been so alone for so long Forgotten by the world Forgotten to myself Your effervescent eyes have awakened me And brushed the dust away But I knew you'd never stay So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you I miss God I miss Waking up beside you At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid Afraid the day will come And I'll wake and find you gone But you promised that you'd not abandon me And kissed my fears away But I woke up to that day But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair I miss God I miss Waking up beside you I've been so alone for so long I forgot how much it hurts To wake up so alone But I memorized how warm your body felt as you lay half asleep beside me And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room and played upon your body I miss God I miss Waking up beside you I miss God I miss Waking up beside you :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Monday December 17th 2007 |5:21pm| [ mood | blah ] [ music | Carbon Leaf - Toy Soldiers ] I haven't changed. I'm still the same. And all I do is whine and bitch. No more entries until I'm happy and have something good to say. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Monday December 17th 2007 |3:09am| [ mood | drained ] [ music | The Mountain Goats - Up The Wolves ] The oldest and the youngest man I've ever been attracted to have each had this certain air about them. Something that made them so interesting, so human, and something that just had us pulled together often. The time in my life where they were involved wasn't just merely the usual encounters, but random almost fateful encounters. They are two people that I felt comfortable around, like I had nothing to prove. And yet I basked in any praise they had to give. I find these people strangely intoxicating and I find myself compelled to be near them and yet.... Eh, oh well. In response to Jake's comment; I think I might get a C average this semester, which for me sucks balls. It might even be worse than that.... I failed Ear Training, I got a C in theory, and either a C-D-or F in Psyche, and then A's or B's in everything else. Remember when we use to talk all the time? lol. I really miss that simply because they were good conversations. It was back when I (and it seems you) had a lot to say and could still retain decent conversational skills. I don't remember how my conversations went then, but now they're just random slurs of topics and anything I need to throw in. At work I'm random and spastic, but not big on full conversations though I'm becoming good friends with a few co-workers... And then at home I'm short and stern in my talk, or randomly and cute. Overly cute. I feel that in this relationship and at the end of the last one I have become extremely cute. I guess that I've convinced myself that I am a disappointment to them in many ways, so I should be cute to get a smile on their faces. I just can't believe people when they say things are fine, or that I am pretty. I do agree with Nick that I am prettier than I was, but I doubt I will ever think of myself as attractive, and until then I won't believe anyone. I also feel distraught that my constant tiredness and my low sex drive causes problems for Nick. Hopefully you've stopped reading by now, because these are things you don't really need to know, but things I need to get off my chest. Per usual it is I that feel inadequate with myself and without constant or forceful, yet kind, contradiction I will not believe anyone. I believe and yet don't believe Nick. I believe Mark. Though this is not to say that Mark ever says anything about my appearance or my sexual tendencies... I only believe him when he tells me I did a good job as a cook though, because I value his opinion. I hardly argue points with him simply because I trust his judgment and his experiences. Plus, he loved my donuts. What can be wrong with a guy that loves my shitty ass looking attempts at Christmas donuts... Shitty looking x-mas trees with icing drizzled around them. This new batch looks better though... However, I still put down my cooking skills because each time something goes wrong. This time Nick knocked over the fry daddy and got oil all over the floor.... Speaking of fry daddy's and therefore kitchen appliances, I should be getting a rice cooker on Thursday, at our mock family Christmas before we go to texas. Huzzah. This is getting long and rambly, which as I said is mainly what I'm good at now. I don't know what I really want any more so I just scoot scooting along. And working. Yeah. I go to work @ 9. Yeay. Sleep time. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Saturday December 8th 2007 |9:48pm| [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Oreskaband - Tsumasaki ] Oh. Before I watch bleach, I think I want to do a "year in review" The first line of the first entry of every month this year, 2007. JAN - Ahhh. The glorious smell of a new year. FEB - Death always strikes me as funny. MARCH - Note:I Hate FlipFlops. APRIL - As my grandmother would say, Murphy's Law strikes again! MAY - Just finished the last of my exams. Woo! JUNE - So, this is it. Tomorrow we rent a u-haul and pack up. JULY - A job! A JOB! YES! AUG - I finished Blood+ so I thought I'd update. SEPT - "Night has draped it’s cape of stars, Over our small town" OCT - All's good in the neighborhood. NOV - Murphy's Law is a bitch. I best not say that though, since he could get madder at me and the third part in this woeful tale could be ungodly horrible. DEC - I recall two very odd, but not completely unusual dreams that I had last night while drinking my raspberry flavored coffee that does nothing more than taste good. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Saturday December 8th 2007 |9:12pm| [ mood | content ] [ music | ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION - アフターダーク ] I enjoy my job. I enjoy the rush of the kitchen, and soon I will be familiar enough with it to stop asking questions. I miss friends though. And I want to learn, finish college, and travel. I love all that more than my job, but my job is so new... So fresh. The rest of this stuff is stagnant. And if I know anything about myself, it's that I can't take the same thing for too long. Maybe it was where I was so picky as a child, and maybe it's just part of my screwed up sub conscious, but I cannot stand to do the same thing forever. I get bored. I learn it all, and then I grow weary. It happens with music, it happens with food, it happens with tv, it happens with people... So obviously it happens with school and with cello, with learning psyche and going to canada. Too long has my mind been filled with dreams of this and that. I want something new, something fresh. Too long has my time been spent dreaming, and now I want to do things, to explore things and oppourtunities. This also equals me doing things different from my dreams due to the fact that they are what I tire of.... My mind makes no sense, and yet methodical sense. I'm a very predictable person, but only over long spans of time. Like random selection of anything.... Generalize or glance at a broad enough span and there, bam. A pattern. In fact, that's one thing I've always known about this world. Or at least something I've known for a while. Everything is a pattern. Everything fits. Whether this is due to someone planning it all out or not... Meh. I don't feel like it's planned out though. I feel as if it was meant to be this way in the sense that someone that knows better than we do how things should turn out is governing the course of events. Or maybe due to the recycling of souls, due to reincarnation, we just subconsciously have a cycle down. We are programed to act a certain way, and the world responds. Like something not programed would be me hitting or shooting someone randomly, and without reason. That wouldn't work. The world knows that, and I know that. So I do what I do and the world accepts that. No matter what this world throws at me. I do what I do. And the world accepts that. Ahh. I miss contemplating every moment of my life. Now I'm too busy doing things and living a life that's not really full of much. I do enjoy my job though. And I do enjoy Bleach. I'm about to watch ep. 151 and then laze about the house. Possibly studying, hopefully practicing cello. Who knows? We'll see. We'll also see me at Ruby Tuesdays at 8am sharp. lol. I hate Ruby's, but I enjoy my job. BAWABAWA! Jaa matta. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Friday December 7th 2007 |12:59pm| [ mood | groggy ] [ music | The bravery - split me wide open ] I'm updating all my layouts and I'm procrastinating. I love making layouts more than I love writing a psych paper that's due in 4 hours. Damn. I suck. I have also lost my ability to communicate to people. Jake commented on my facebook yesterday and I replied with a silly slightly rambly little comment. Goddamnit. I hate not having friends. I only talk to Nick and people I work with. Though I also talk to David and now I am talking to Stephanie Sees and Alex again. I think that's sad. They moved on, right? I should to. I just miss Alex listening to every rambly little thing that I say. Alex still knows me best, even if I broke his heart. *sigh* This is just the entry to start the new layout. I'm still watching Bleach. Hah! I'm on ep. 147 I believe. And it's only up to 151 and counting... Yeay. I love that show. My stomach hurts. I should eat something... Ja matta. :: how many fates should i accept? :: - :: I've found 1 beloved season ::

Wednesday December 5th 2007 |11:34am| [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Susumu Hirasawa - The girl in Byakkoya ] So. I recall two very odd, but not completely unusual dreams that I had last night while drinking my raspberry flavored coffee that does nothing more than taste good. In one (I won't say first simply because in my memory they seem interchangeable as to which happened first....) I am cooking. This is the one that's not unusual because every time I start a new job I always have dreams about preforming those tasks all night long. It's not helpful for a restful night sleep, but it seems to be normal for me. So I was rushing around pantry at Ruby's cooking and pressing buttons and setting up plates... Bleh. I still have the tight feeling in my stomach of being rushed. Just for update's sake, I'm officially a pantry cook now. There is pantry and grill side at Ruby's. So I get to deep fry and microwave my ass off all day pretty much. It's not hard, and I'm making 8$ an hour. I'm going to hopefully try for 9, but we'll see. They were in desperate need of another cook because they needed one a few weeks ago, and then they had to fire another one. So. My first week's schedule? Monday through Sunday, non-stop. I trained to close Monday Tuesday and today, and then I close by myself tomorrow. Then Friday and Saturday I work garden bar and expo, and Sunday I have an opening shift on Pantry. Woo. This is where my x-mas money is coming from. Yeay! It'll help a lot since I'll be going to Texas for a week-ish. Chelsie is graduating and Uncle Scott has cancer. That feels a little odd to type. I hate cancer, and I love my uncle. I'm also very apathetic by nature and apathetic towards the seriousness of cancer since the TV dramas have all over done the seriousness of it. Every traumatic episode, "Oh god, he's got... CANCER" It got old. Plus, I only learned recently that Scott has cancer, and no one mentioned the details, so I really have no clue what's going on. I just know that we're driving up there for x-mas this year, which I have nothing against seeing as I really want a break. Oh yeah, the second dream... It's Nick and I driving across country or to somewhere far away and we're buying food at all these stores that we've never eaten at before... And one ticket comes up to 81$ and something and it's horrible. The food isn't, as far as I know because the dream ended before we even got the food. But it's this fast food place and we order a normal amount of food and it's 81$ and asks about how much you want to tip.... Gah. It was horrible. Besides all that, I have finals next week. I might be able to pull some passing grades out of my ass... But it's very unlikely for two of them. I know I have to retake one, but my schedule's so packed already that I'll probably wait until next fall. Then I'll start my musicology and my ear training. *sigh* I'm definitely going to be here for 3 years, if I can make it that long. I'm slowly getting out of my rut where I was completely unmotivated, but meh. Things are still looking grim. I am getting my hood replaced soon, or at least we've made arrangements for such a thing to happen, but who's to say how that will work out? Besides that my car seems okay. We're going to be getting it a new battery before or after I get back from Texas, and then there's all those presents to buy. More this year than last year I guess... And more addresses to send x-mas cards to since everyone is dying to know about my big move. *shrugs* I'm off to take a shower, and then to go pay bills. Yeay. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Saturday November 17th 2007 |4:52pm| [ mood | weird ] [ music | Barenaked Ladies - Spider in my room ] I'm eating hot tamales and practicing cello at mom's house right now. These past few weeks have been very odd. I don't know whether to be on the verge of crying or bursting with joy and thankfulness. So I stick with a calm happy exterior and an inner don't care with it's own inner "LOVE ME". Don't you love that inner-inner feeling? The feeling that you usually ignore or over power with the outer-inner. And it makes sense. Perhaps its a part of growning up, part of the whole development of the id, the ego, and the super ego. I believe its the ego that is I Want. The id is I Need and the super-ego is the I Know. I think. I know that one is suppose to be what makes us rational human beings. I know that one makes us want to satisfy our desires and one that makes us want what we need, like food. The idea I am getting at is that I Want love, I Want happiness, I Want a perfect little world where I'm lavished with affection and don't have to pay bills or worry about fixing my car. However, I am grown up enough to Know that I must do what I must do. I was being an extreme little prick at the begining of this semester. I hurt people, I was stupid, I've endangered my scholarships... And now what? I still sit around and understand the fact that I MUST do this. I must get through school. All my petty feelings towards school and all my silly desires to just sit in peaceful silence all day are merely fantasies. I knew all this when I was younger. I knew all of this last year when I went through the last of my community college. But this semester... I tried so hard to convince myself otherwise. I was so tired, I was so beaten down by something... Life I suppose. *shrugs* I sat around and wasted time and just COULDN'T do anything. I would try and try. I would pump myself up, and then run from my obligations as much as I could. I've schirked my obligations. I've dissapointed myself. I've hurt people. I guess that's something I feel realyl horrible about. After all my time in high school attempting to be friends with people and get out of my introverted shell... I abandoned it all and I've ended up alone. Now, this has nothing to do with my current or previous living situations. I know I hurt Alex and I feel bad for it, but it had to be done. I couldn't go on faking sexual attraction (which was there at one point, I suppose, but it was gone) and I couldn't go on arguing with him all the time. I hated crying all the time and yelling, I suppose. However I'm in the same situation now. I'm taking Alex's advice though. I'm telling Nick everything that I'm feeling. He may get annoyed by it, but I think it helps in the end. Every once in a while I miss Alex, and I want him as my friend. I'm working towards that. I know only one thing that Alex does better than Nick, and that's listen to me. I love to ramble and ramble, and I'm currently not very comfortable doing that with Nick. It's not a bad thing, because I think that's what friends are for. They can listen to you blab on about absolutely nothing. Nick is good for talking about actual things. It's helping me discover what I need to blab on about and when I need to just think. I don't know really... Being with Nick is odd. It's wonderful, and it's a learning experience. We have more fun than fighting, though we do fight, but only about silly things and that's mostly just because both of us have a tendency to feel threatened by slight vocal changes or certain phrases. *time passes* Oh, I got distracted. Woo. It happens. *shrugs* I will lastly mention the worst (so far) of Murphy's Law... My hood came up and smashed my windshield while I was driving on the highway. I've paid 202.12 for a windshield, 63 for a towing fee, and soon 60+ more for a new battery. I've heard rumor that my grandmother is going to be getting me a newer car... But the outcome is doubtful since everyone else in the family needs more help than just a new car. So I'll just fix up mine and make it last until I can by one myself. Beside, I love my car! I don't want it to go anywhere. Well, now I must practice somemore cello and eat some food stuffs before 6:30. Laters. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Sunday November 4th 2007 |8:38am| [ mood | blah ] [ music | Mark Lewis - Deep - Base Twelve ] Murphy's Law is a bitch. I best not say that though, since he could get madder at me and the third part in this woeful tale could be ungodly horrible. So, I had that bad feeling the other day. The one that is always followed by something bad. I got into a fender bender, one worse than last time. My hood's fucked up, but besides that there's not much damage. Never met the girl I hit. We tried to turn off the road and meet, but it never happened. So I just went on to work because I was already running right on time/late. Then this morning I wake up to a drip that's louder than the one that's in the sink and ask Nick to check it out. It's still supposedly the sink, he says, so then the alarm goes off and I go over and check the sink, only to step in a puddle of water and get hit on the head by a drip from the cealing. The girl upstairs has a leak that's worse than mine, and her sink over flowed. Joy. So, two down. One more to go. And we wait. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Sunday October 28th 2007 |5:24pm| [ mood | content ] [ music | Barenaked Ladies - Lovers in a Dangerous Time ] *sigh* All better now. I made more money this morning that I did all day yesterday. It's sad. I'm now addicted to Heroes. Damn. Just like me, always getting addicted to things late in the game. *shrugs* Now it's back to work to go. La de da. :: how many fates should i accept? ::

Saturday October 27th 2007 |11:23pm| [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Barenaked Ladies - Told You So ] Depression is a rediculous thing. I guess as I get older the fact that happy must follow sad makes the sadness worse... Gives it less meaning I suppose. Like when I was younger I felt the world was going to be over, everything wasdoomed, and I would cry and cry and cry... I felt better afterwards though. Now I just get a deeper pit in my stomach when I think, "Damnit, not again." Then I get this drifting feeling of "How will I get from here to there?" and I ponder what the hell I'm doing with my life. But in the end there's nothing I can do but wait it out. This is when I eat lots of food and watch a lot of pointless TV. It's a distraction, while my mind is numb... :: how many fates should i accept? ::

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