tears pour down from the clear blue sky

We were born the mutants again with leafling - Of Montreal

2008-03-23T15:00:37Z

She says I'm boring her camera
It takes more to delight the cadaver
Night eyes on icy patrol
Yours were not so Nazi feline
Mine were as dead as monks
And our particles are in motion

Night eyes producing ashes
We love to view unfortunate passions
Still, she takes my photo to bed
No mere limp verse could incite identity destruction
Our particles are in motion

Sometimes we're not legible
But we're the same strange animal
Let them say our love is peculiar, don't care

There's only now, no ever after
We won't let it end in disaster
You are my twin, no I will never go there

New layout

2008-03-19T18:06:55Z

The Mountain Goats - Autoclave

Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes
As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize
Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure
You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better

I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

When I try to open up to you I get completely lost
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost
And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn
and there’s no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no emotion that’s worth having could call my heart its home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls
On a cliff above the ocean, howling wind and shrieking seagulls
And the dream went on forever, one single static frame
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

lady_invisible @ 2008-03-05T12:50:00

2008-03-05T17:50:44Z

I was going to post an entry with more anger towards Nick (it's not really there, but it's like a sore spot in your mouth. You feel it every once in a while and it makes you mad all over again) and about the things I've seen on campus that make me laugh. It was going to be in poem form... So things like "boys smoking tobacco like opium" and "asian gansters and nerdy wiggers breaking to nothing but my laughter"

I going to talk about my first successful "booty call". I don't think Alex or I either fully intended for it to be a booty call... Maybe subconsciously, but I think we tried to avoid the thought consciously. We cleared the air about a lot of things, and relieved both our sexual tensions. And I do believe him, that everything will be okay. I was going to voice my opinion in poem form about how all I feel from my past is him, and how my ultimate future seems to be with him... But not the present, or the near future. Those are both impossible now, and thus the future isn't looking hopeful either. But I will always love and cherish him.

Anyway, I got thrown off track.
You know why?
Big Stone got hit by a tornado.

Childhood in both Big Stone and Johnson City = us telling ourselves that the mountains would protect us. During severe storms with high winds... We were always going to be okay. So I had the constant delusion in my head that this couldn't happen.

It's one of those moments where I still function normally, but my brain's going "What? What? What?" over and over again. It's going to take a bit to settle in my mind, but damn. This is part of mother nature continually proving that anything is possible.

lady_invisible @ 2008-03-02T15:27:00

2008-03-02T20:27:26Z

I always seem to choose the hard path.

We got a new cook today, he's another sexist bastard. Most cooks are very masculine, that's fine. But being a sexist bastard is another thing entirely. Asking help from all the male cooks, and the second I offer any help "Oh, no, I know how to"

Then being a complete fucking smart ass to me while I expo. Wtf? Then trying to talk to the hot server... Trying to act nice just because she's hot... That's so fucking stupid. I hate that shit.

Next week should be fun, it's bill time again. *sigh*

lady_invisible @ 2008-03-02T10:28:00

2008-03-02T15:28:02Z

Joanna Newsom - Cosmia

when you ate I saw your eyelashes
saw them shake like wind on rushes
in the corn field when she called me
moths surround me - thought they'd drown me

and I miss your precious heart...

dried rose petal, red-brown circles
framed your eyes and stained your knuckles

and all those lonely nights down by the river
brought me bread and water (water, in)
but though I tried so hard, my little darling
I couldn't keep the night from coming in

and all those lonely nights down by the river
I was brought my bread and water by the kith and the kin
now in the quiet hour when I am sleepin'
I cannot keep the night from comin' in

why've you gone away, gone away again?
I'll sleep through the rest of my days
if you've gone away again

sleep through the rest of my days...

why've you gone away, away?
seven suns, seven suns
away, away, away, away

can you hear me? will you listen?
don't come near me, don't go missing
in the lissome light of evening
help me, Cosmia, I'm grieving

and all those lonely nights down by the river
brought me bread and water (water, in)
but though I tried so hard, my little darling
I couldn't keep the night from coming in

and all those lonely nights down by the river
I was brought my bread and water by the kith and the kin
now in the quiet hour when I am sleepin'
I cannot keep the night from comin' in

beneath the porch light, we've all been circling
beat our dust hearts, singe our flour wings
but in the corner, something is happening!
wild Cosmia, what have you seen?

water were your limbs, and the fire was your hair
and then the moonlight caught your eye
and you rose through the air
well, if you've seen true light, then this is my prayer:
will you call me when you get there?

and I miss your precious heart
and miss, and miss, and miss
and miss, and miss, and miss
and miss, and miss your heart
but release your precious heart
to its feast, for precious hearts

lady_invisible @ 2008-03-01T11:19:00

2008-03-01T16:19:54Z

The wedding was nice. Renee is a wonderful person and although I don't know much about her new husband, she seems happy. She also mentioned that besides all the bad things that go on in there relationship, he's the only one that can keep her anxiety attacks down. She seems to like having reason and having a purpose, and he gives her that. Another co-worker sang at the wedding, beautifully. We talked about how we both weren't getting married for a long time, she talked about not getting married at all. We discussed the frivolous things in a wedding. Colors and such. A former co-worker was there too, all spunt and spirit like always. She only showed how much she still suffers right after the wedding. Her fiance of 2 years died in a car crash. I couldn't even imagine the pain she's been through, and still going through. Although she was mostly smiles and jokes, I can see how watching her friend get married hit the "That should have been me..." nail on the fucking head. I wouldn't have been able to do it, but she did it for her friend.

I thoroughly enjoy my co-workers. They are almost all wonderful people. (I'm not counting the bimbos and retards I avoid conversing with... Hah!)

"A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world"

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-29T23:29:00

2008-03-01T04:29:41Z

Let's play the notes
Those delicate chords
That envoke emotion

I just watched a few episodes on Transgender. It makes me contemplate more and more the depths (or rather, ill-defined) of human nature. Maybe this that and the other are not things that we are born with, and yet again maybe we are born with certain ammounts of knowledge about our own well being for some purpose.

Alex's theories about how some of the important people in his life were close to him in another life is interesting as well.

Like I mentioned in the last entry, those feelings of emptiness have started to sink their teeth in again... I think it's because I'm tired though. So I drove around a bit, watched some mindless TV, and chatted to Alex about things to avoid txting or calling Nick since there was a good chance he'd be the only person I know without Friday night plans. That would have just been pathetic, and me just in need of friendship. In need of someone to be there.

I also went to a wedding today. A friend from work got married. It was beautiful, even though my heart was full of doubts. Not towards what they were doing, but because I can't see myself giving that much to another person, or putting that much faith in another person. I can hope that I will, but allowing myself to is something completely different.

I also hated every word that came out of the ministers mouth that really had nothing to do with the couple themselves. A bunch of bullshit about how their marriage was an example of God's love. How the husband is representative of Jesus Christ and the wife is representative of the church. A bunch of fucking bullshit. I wanted to snort, laugh, or something. I mean, come on. The intimate affection between two people, generalized?? It doesn't make it special, it doesn't show the fact that we should be grateful that they found the courage to step foward and take this step.

I have a strong feeling that I will never have a good christian wedding. Hell, I know I won't. I can see the place bursting into flames around me and my "pagan" ways. I've drifted far to the agnostic side of religion, and it's mostly because I don't have the time to contemplate the details of religion enough to dedicate myself to it. Plus, I suck at dedicating myself to much of anything.

I did buy some strings though. Let's hope they make it here.

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-27T14:04:00

2008-02-27T19:04:15Z

For now, and this will most likely start it's downfall,

I am happy.
This is me, content, and not depressed. I'm thinking about other things then my constant state of depression, and my constant feelings of worthlessness.

I'm not crediting anyone.
I'm not attaching myself to anyone.

Alex is the one that I have talked to, he is probably the one I owe this feeling to. Hell, I know he is, but if I tell myself that and I try and react to it, then I put myself in the situation where I will love him more than I do, just because I owe him.

The same for Nick, if I talk to him and I don't watch myself, I'll end up in his arms, because while Alex attracts and calms me mentally, Nick attracts and calms me physically. Not just meaning sex, but in my actions. Nick's answers were always simple, unadorned by my frivilous details of rationality and reasonings.

So I sigh and keep on moving. I cherish the moments that I am given, and I work hard not to dwell on them.
Dwelling only leads to my overthought reactions that usually end in my misery.

So we avoid that.
Hopefully.
Next post will probably be after that happens... So this is a warning, and an entry that kind of says "I told you so" for when I fall again.
Hah.

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-24T16:51:00

2008-02-24T21:51:27Z

I have a game plan.

Plans help me sleep, plans help me feel motivated.

Right now my long term plan is too long term and I feel stuck, like I'm moving so very very slow.

So, today I get the news that a co-worker that I've had a crush on for a little bit (nothing so girlish as high school since I gave those silly emotions up) broke up with his girlfriend of two years last night. His room mate said something about how it had to do with her going into internships and moving away, but then he ran off as girls pounded him with questions for details.

Sure, I know that I will probably never date this guy. Sure, I know that he would probably never date me, but if I use this faint glimmer of an oppourtunity to continue to lose weight and motivate myself towards school success? Is that wrong?

I would use it to keep my brain from conflicting over and over my feelings for Alex. Because deep down, when it's all said and done, with Alex it's over. It will always be over. No matter how long we talk, or how long we hold each other. Our love touches different levels, and our goals are similar, but our means are by far the most different. Plus, I fucked up. No matter how true my feelings of not being sexually attracted to him and not feeling as deep a connection of love to him for whatever reason... I could have told him. I could have tried to explain, to have the talks that we are having now.

But our lives were so busy, and we were so childish when we talked to each other. Unless we were yelling.
I just wanted out, I didn't want to fix it. Then came along the perfect oppourtunity and I grabbed it, kissed it, and ran.
Because ultimately I'm a coward, and ultimately I cannot stand the idea of being alone if I don't have to.

Ah well, I'll use it as motivation for now. Anything to keep my spirits up, neh?

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-24T01:54:00

2008-02-24T06:54:15Z

*sigh*

I love that you understand me, and I do hope that someday I can learn to deal with my own feelings and not have to say them and talk about them to get them off my chest. At least, not like I do now. I whine and mope and talk about how horrible the world is to me, when it's not always me that's in pain. I know that, but I guess years of listening to everyone else's problems made me long to tell my own, and still a lot of the time I feel that no one really cares, and that no one ever will.

See, me spouting off another problem.

Although you make me talk about everything that I hate, and discuss things that make me sad, afterwards I really do feel better.

If the only thing I can do in return is offer all the love I can give, than I shall.
Even if it's not worth what romantic love should be worth... I give you my all. Then we shall let fate take it's course. Shall we be together, or shall we just be forever friends? Hard to tell.

But the point I think I'm getting at is that I will love you the same either way.
You are a saint either way. I wish that you needed me like I need you.
But you did once, didn't you?

Probably. I pounced on your heart and ripped it to shreds.
But you still talk to me.

Ah, like I said, a saint...

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-24T00:54:00

2008-02-24T05:54:35Z

I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-23T01:36:00

2008-02-23T06:36:28Z

Some simple conclusions to the past few days.

I have the best friends in the world.

I am the cause of all my mental torture, so I'm working on not letting that affect me. So far it's mildly working.

Alex is the greatest man on the planet, and I hope that someday I can either 1) discover in myself the capacity to love and accept him as much as he deserves without putting myself through torture... or 2) find someone that meets and jumps far over the bar he's placed in my heart.

My new car is supposedly coming here tomorrow. Supposedly. Knowing my life, that will go horribly wrong... Oh well.
I worked almost 7 hours today when I was only suppose to work 2, but usually don't work at all.
I'm grateful though, because I now have a smile on my face from the best drunken phone call (and the only one I can recall ever receiving)

Here's to night-long conversations about the inner workings of us
Here's to missing someone and calling them when you're drunk
Here's to smiling every so often, even when you know it'll be gone soon.

=)

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-20T02:00:00

2008-02-20T07:00:47Z

My biggest fear is that I really am cold and emotionless. That I really only see things on a logical level, and that my layers are broken down into too-emotional, anti-emotional, and true-emotional levels. That it stops here, when I contemplate and when I analyse and when I feel nothing. When I get what I long for and I feel nothing.

My biggest hope is that this is some kind of deeply rooted childhood trauma dealing with the lack of openness about personal things in my family. Sure, we take care of our own, but our personal lives are just stories. I've never had a "heart to heart" with my mom besides trading stories about our troubles. Always in an "Oh well that's life" kind of manner, and the only deep emotions were ones of resentment. Why was she always so pathetic? Why can't she stand up for herself? Why this and why that. Resentment for her blaming me for her pain and also placing on me the hopes of the family. I will be the great white hope that rides in to show that the women in this family will not all end up financially dependent on their mother and alone. I am woman, hear me be soley independent and successful for the good of all mankind. And so on.

So in the midst of my depression I wrote this.
http://mis-take.livejournal.com/118855.html

It voices many of the same feelings I'm having now.

I will admit completely that when I went up to have dinner with you I wanted it to just be us two and I wanted us to talk and talk and talk. With David it was on some levels better and some worse. I got the talking that I wanted. Oh dear god how I miss talking like that. It felt so wonderfully natural, and so wonderfully interesting. It made me feel a lot better.

And then there was the fact that I still want to hold your hand. I pictured the night ended with us lying under the stars, holding each other. No sex, and that's the truth. Because out of all the things I miss and all the things that you made wonderful for me, sex wasn't one of them. First of all, let's remember that I'm not a very sexual person. I get horny like every other person, but when it comes to the actual act of sex I either disconnect myself and therefore feel silly, or I just don't appreciate it as much as the next guy. Who knows? But whatever the reason, sex isn't important to me.

I think it's much more meaningful that I desire to hold you and to be held by you.

And then that makes me think, but what is a love without sex? It is better, worse? Because in sex you could always be rivaled. Maybe there's some secret method it takes to unlock my whoreish tendencies, and I hope you aren't really reading this because, well, simply put that's what I had with Nick. We were more sexually drawn to each other than emotionally. There was an emotional barrier between us so fricking high that it made everest look small and in the end that's what got me. I freaked out trying to climb that impossible wall and ended up stabbing at it again and again with the plastic knife that is my rage and what he sees as the "real" me, the crazy me.

But what if I really am that crazy? Was it the lust that made me a horrible, evil bitch? But I did the same to you... I tore your heart out and munched on it. I betrayed you. A betrayal should never be forgiven, though I would be among the first to fogive many people I care about... I feel as if I'm unworthy.

When you held onto me tonight I remembered how fragile you are. Not in the sense that you are weak, but in the sense that the picture you show to the world of yourself and the person you are... It's not as strong as it seems. You have the greatest will power I have ever known, a quality that I admire fully, and yet when I hold you I feel that you need me as much as I need you and you are less afraid than I to show it.

I'm not ready to love anyone, or at least I don't want to pretend to love anyone. I don't know what love is to me, I don't know what I'm searching for... Everything I seem to need I can find in your personality, and yet I hold back. What if I hurt you again? What if my emotions still won't go deep enough? What if I can't give you what you deserve?

Is this coldness I feel... Is it the real me, deep inside? Or is it just a front, a wall I've put up. Because no one can ignore the smile that your words bring, no one can ignore my desire to make you a happy person, and no one can ignore my desire to wish you the best in everything. My desire to protect you cannot be ignored, and my desire to talk to you just because you always know what to say, that cannot be ignored...

And I don't want to trail your flaws, like I know I will do if we are together again. I can see a future for us, I can see me as a psychologist, you as a teacher/psychologist, and us living happily in a middle class neighborhood with our clinic and both of us are in the symphony orchestra and we are so happy... And it fits so well, and it makes so much sense.

So am I hesitant because I feel too much or hesitant that I don't feel at all?
The worst part is, you are my personal psychiatrist. I trust you enough to come to you about everything, and I understand your point of view... But how can I ask about things like this? Things that involve you?

I want to just ask you bluntly, "Do you want me back because of sexual tension, really? Or was that just talk? Are you trying to shield yourself because you don't want to be hurt again? Did you say you didn't want me back because you don't, or because you were denying it because of how I hurt you? Did you throw out excuses to avoid a relationship because you wanted to avoid rejection or because you really felt that way?"

Despite all the questions, I missed your arms. I missed your smell.
Despite all efforts, I put in the Stevie Nicks CD, again. I always turn to it in times like this. It's sad, but her words comfort me.
Like yours comfort me. lol.

See? This is where I back up and shake my head. Too many bad things have come from me being sentimental.
It must stop.
And I must take a shit before doing homework.

There's no sleep for the helplessly stupid. *sigh*

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-19T08:22:00

2008-02-19T13:22:01Z

Dear Rod, formerly of NYC,

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off these past few days and have not been able to respond to your comment. Then there was no link to your journal, so responding was kind of impossible.

We seem to be in similar, yet very different situations... What caused you to move to China? What's the rest of your life been like? I want to ask all those questions, but then I realize this is probably a silly dream.

Anyway, with you there is the fact that you can be content with your inability to socialize properly. You don't know the language very well, therefore you can justify your loneliness. I speak english very well, I would like to assume, and yet when I talk to people I feel as if I speak another language. It was probably the weirdos (that I loved so dearly) that I grew up with in JC. I've become a fan of the vulgar, the debatable, and the blunt. So my words are taken offensively, and I slap myself internally every time I see that dumbfounded or that "What the fuck?" look in peoples eyes.

You could very well find a solution, and so could I. That's all we have as humans, really, hope. We can hope that we can improve our own skills at socializing in strange situations, or we can hope that some devine creator will grant us chance encounters that will result in friendship. Either way, we are alone now. Everything in our hearts rebels against being alone, and I wish you the best.

In other news.... I chance loosing my job today. For justified and unjustified reasons. I didn't ask for today off in time, but Dave said he's fix it. So I went on the tour until Saturday, basically Sunday, and then find out it's not fixed. Everyone that's available is either in OT or the new GM (who seems to me an asshole because he's not sympathetic to my plight, however he doesn't know me at all. I could be a lazy fucking bum that does this all the time. I wouldn't be sympathetic to someone like that either). So whatever happens, I'm going to try (probably in vain) to get my car today. Besides my effort at this, I have no idea how things will happen today.

I could end as nothing, it could end as everything. It's one of those rare times where I wish I could give up my worries to a divine creator, but I would perfer that the world react to me instead of seeing it as me reacting accordingly to the world that is set in front of me.

Or it could be both. I really don't know, and it's still kinda early.
I'm off to Japanese, and then the day begins.

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-17T22:16:00

2008-02-18T03:16:14Z

If I tell you that I'm miserable
Will it irritate you more?
If I chose to throw myself out a window
Will you feel like you did before?
Annoying drones, annoying tones,
And a metronome for the cure
I feel my eternal loneliness
It's knocking
Knock knock knocking
On my apartment door

Alone I have no purpose
Of this I can be sure
I want to grow I want to succeed...
But if in the end it's only me,
What will it have all been for?
Alone we will forever be, it's locked into our genes
And no amount of sex or words
Can change the distance between you and me

But to find some one to live for
Is an all more pathetic plight indeed
Because I have no legs to stand on,
I get carried away by the sea
You're legs become my island
As I hunt for you night and day
A man who will be with me
To hear these words I say
You have to have no face, I must confess
This is my truth
The man must have no face and also
He must not have roots
So he can grow into me
And become me

Which all in all throws me in an awful state
What happened to the girl I knew
What was to be her fate?
She loved to listen, loved to learn
And loved to ask men questions
She loved to hear about their lives
And witness to their confessions
But as the fires died and the demons were cast out
It was also she that the demons let be
And was left alone without
A soul, without a word of friendly advice
She must have taken wing and dove
Into the sky one night
The shell she left is a fright to see
One who buzzes incessantly
One who no longer cares about your day or how you fair
Just listen listen listen to me
Hear all my words and all my ideas
I want you to take them from me
Enjoy them like the treat they are, I'll shove them down your throat
Until you choke and die
That is my only hope

This shell
This shell must be the demon king
Awoken from his slumber
Just one taste of listening potion
And this world's gone under
When was it that I was given a taste
Of mattering to someone?
Was it then this demon did arise
To take from me my only point of pride?
Now I cannot communicate with spirits of the dead
I'm selfish, vile, cruel, and I can make you cry
Because

I only wish...

I could fix this.
Not these relationships I've destroyed and not these words that I continue to write,
But myself
Can I fix myself
Twist the key
Too hard, I've gone and broken the lock
The door remains unopened
As the men from my dreams travel beyond the door
I refuse to grow up
I refuse to change
In fact, with each relationship
I sink deeper into a childish despair
Looking back
Constantly looking
Back back back
I have nothing
"daremo inai hoshi no hikari ayatsurinagara"

"When I was darkness at that time fueteru kuchibiru
Heya no katasumi de I cry
Mogakeba mogaku hodo tsukisasaru kono kizu
Yaburareta yakusoku hurt me

Nobody can save me
Kamisama hitotsu dake
Tomete saku you na my love

I need your love
I'm a broken rose
Machi no kanashimi your song
Ibasho nai kodoku na my life

I need your love
I'm a broken rose.
Oh baby, help me from frozen pains
With your smile, your eyes,
send me just for me

I wanna need your love...
I'm a broken rose
I wanna need your love...

When you were with me at that time
Anata no kage wo oikakete
Hadashi de kakemekete stop me
Tozaseba tozasu hodo motsureteku kono ai
Yuruyaka ni yasashiku kiss me
Nobody can save meKogoeru bara no you ni
Yasashiku nemuritai my tears
I need your love.
I'm a broken rose.
Kareochiru kanashimi my soul
Kuzureochiru kodoku na little girl
I need your love.
I'm a broken rose.
Oh baby, help me from frozen pains
With your smile, your eyes,
Sing me just for me
I wanna need your love
I'm a broken rose
I wanna need your love
I need your love
I'm a broken rose
Maichiru kanashimi your song
Ibasho nai kodoku na my life
I need your love
I'm a broken rose.
Oh baby, help me from frozen pain
With your smile, your eyes,
Sing me just for me
I wanna need your love
I'm a broken rose
I wanna need your love..."
So yeah, I've gone and gotten myself addicted to another anime/mange series.
Nana.
It's so cheesy and girl-drama like that it's ridiculous.
But I'm caught up, I'm captivated. It makes me laugh, and it keeps my mind occupied.

But I practice cello too
And I study.
Isn't that just awesome?
I'm so proud of myself...

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-17T00:08:00

2008-02-17T05:08:19Z

I love that people hate me

I love that I'm selfish and apparently unapproachable or unlikeable at first impressions

I went on a 3-day 2-night "tour" with the UT Symphony. It increased my depression and my resolve by a lot.

First of all, I have no friends in that orchestra. Scant amounts of friendliness were beheld and I (like I know I always do) formed an attraction towards one person. I noticed them everywhere and tried in vain to get their attention. I really don't understand it except for the fact that I desperately despise being alone. Life has no forward motion when I'm alone. I could sit alone all night and do nothing and I feel still and I feel agitated. If there's someone who can call me or should call me.... I do nothing but wait for them, and the world feels alright.

People were constantly calling people and talking to friends. I called my mom once, txted Alex annoyingly for a while on the first day, and then my phone died. I hadn't brought my charger, but all my phone was was a clock. No one called, no one txted. No one cared that I was gone for three days and didn't say anything about it.

Nick and I have pretty much split like no body's business. It's as if we never existed, and all that lies between us is anger. I'm just an angry and selfish person, and he just hates me for being like the rest of the people in his life that used him.

I feel exiled.
I feel disliked, I feel like I'm crazy. No one enjoys talking to me and no one makes an effort to incorporate me into any interesting conversations. I have nothing good to say, as I realized the few times I actually commented and spoke my mind. I'm random and I'm easily distracted. I have no connection with anyone's interests and I talk about myself a lot. Way too much actually.

As typically leo as that might be, if no one finds you interesting and no one wants to be around you and everyone just knows you as "that girl" or knows your name but never bothers to try and hang out with you... It's a constant depressed feeling. No one wants to know your back story, no one cares about your feelings or your life. You talk about pointless things that have no revelance and you seem to have no connection with reality. What is her deal?

*sigh*

And I still don't understand organized religion.
I can't grasp the idea of something I can't see. I have no faith and I can't put faith in something that is not obviously constant.

I call how life works "fate" because it's easy to connect the dots in hide sight. It is 20/20 after all... And I can see patterns and paths that life takes, but I cannot put my faith in one being. I cannot put the stability of my universe in anyone's hands but my own. Unlike the masses, I'm happy thinking that we are here, and that's that. We live in a world where everyone is getting screwed by a society that doesn't give a shit about anything that's not material, and I guess organized religion is the same way. I learned more about mormonism from the afore-mentioned attraction and the whole time I desperately wanted to ask him;

"So. You put all your faith in the world as it is on the words of someone you've named a prophet? He makes the world make sense?"

What if he got shot? What if he was the prophet, but he ignored God's words and gave you jumbled up shit?
It's human nature to desire and want, it's human nature to decieve.
God must have been like that. He must have decieved. What if... I don't know, I just can't handle putting my faith in something that seems so very very fake. So very very built up.

Pointless wars and pointless efforts have been made in the wake of religion. It gives us a purpose and comforts our inner loneliness. So isn't that just selfish and childish on our part? What if there is no god, what if we are alone?
Could no one handle that?

I think I'm afraid of ignoring my own loneliness.
I think that I'm afraid of putting on a mask of religion because it feels like just that, a mask. A veil covering up the world as I see it.
People don't just die for medical reasons and have nothing left once their body's gone... Someone's taking care of them.
It seems to me silly to think that someone else will take care of us forever. It seems silly that eternity was built for all of us when we die every day and we've "fallen from gods grace"

Saying that he will show us the way means we don't have to search. Saying that he is trying to teach us something through tragedy makes us think that there is good in the evil. And saying that we are all originally evil and he's the only one that can save us gives us an escape from the fearful prison of sin.

But we are sinners. Human nature is a sin. We want, we desire, we hate, we lust.
It's what we are. It's what makes us human.

I like the chaoist theory that we simple need this fragile senes of structure to avoid losing ourselves in the void of chaos that lies so close under the surface. And now even society has us trapt in a structure. Bills keep coming and money is needed to survive. It is necissary, so work and school are inevitable, and we must follow according to structure or fall deep into a pit of financial dept and jail time that will rip our lives of almost any happiness.

I hate feeling trapt in structure.

I hate having horrible people skills.

I hate not knowing what I'm doing or saying.
I hate not understanding myself.

lady_invisible @ 2008-02-11T01:45:00

2008-02-11T06:45:39Z

I'm pretty sure that this is where I wanted to be all along.

After trying to hard to get Alex to notice me and after throwing him to the wolves and after making the biggest idiot out of myself and sinking down to my craziest levels with Nick.... I think that what I was aiming for was my own complete misery.

Oh yeah, no big surprise there, right?

I go on and on in my head about how all I want is this, all I want it that... Well, I get things that are as close to that as the real world can dish out (even better, in hindsight, than some movies and books) and all my brain and body can seem to do is dramatize it, beat it, batter it, and try and make it feel like shit.

I destroy people.

I destroy a lot of shit.

And I don't know why.
I just know that this is where I wanted to be.
Because once I'm down here, completely back in this lonely state of affairs...

There is no more crying, no more worrying.
I no longer have to hope that someday I can see what fucking good people see in me
Because when I destroy someone, or at least make myself a completely crazed fool to them,
Then I don't have to prove shit.

Because now I'm not a good person.
I'm just crazy.

That just means that I don't have to be good at anything, I don't have to be attractive. Because a few people say I am, and I can't see it, I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see anything.

I want to make everything change, make everything what it's not right now.
Except me, because I'm always this way.

And this is a stupid rant because I don't even make sense in my own head right now.
I just know some part of me feels content, and I don't know why
I never do the right thing, and I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing.
I just act.
I just want reactions.
I just want shit.
That's all. Just a life of misery.

And that's why no one wants me, and no one talks to me.
It's why I have no friends.

And that's how it should be.

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-27T01:33:00

2008-01-27T06:33:44Z

I enjoy talking.

I feel better tonight than I have in a while.

This weekend has been fun. I like cellists, I love the cello.

"Just let it go, don't be so tense"

Hmm.

Talking equals meditation I suppose.

Opening up solves all problems. Kind of. I just have this thing where when people want me to talk, to say things, but my mind is warped by chick flicks and books. The guy is just suppose to know everything. He's suppose to be kind and caring and just sense what I want and what I need.

In real life, guys aren't that smart.

They just get lucky. Hah!

Yeay America's Next Top Model! Yeay cello! Yeay japanese!

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-25T22:10:00

2008-01-26T03:10:28Z

I am not good at what I am majoring in.

Or rather, I'm good, but I can't perform in front of people.

I saw some amazing cellists play tonight... It made me want to practice, and it made me want a boyfriend that plays cello. It's so damn sexy. Two of them were cocky bastards, but I loved their music. And one of the two I know... Ahh, my heart melted. That is part of his normal charm too though. Oh well. Too bad I've given up silly girlish crushes and pointless attempts at actual relationships.

Alex was talking about this today. Love to him is knowing someone.

So, there's a different meaning for a lot of things based on this. There are the terms "fuck-buddy" "cuddle buddy" and "friend". There is the term "couple".

Nick and I are all but couple. Why? Because we only connect on certain levels. The rest of the time we just avoid grey and complicated areas and continue on. I tried to get him to open up to me, but that only resulted in painful fights that he cowered even farther into his heart emotionally afterwards. My anger at him not opening up, and my crying because I was trying to get to know him and I was trying to make him talk... They scared him. He didn't feel he needed to open up, so when I would get emotional about it he would close up like a clam. Snap, no more. Just a blank stare and disconnected feedback.

So I gave up on trying to converse with him. I just talk a bit, he talks a bit, and we're all okay.

No clue where that will lead, but whatever.

I think I shall practice a bit, so that someday I might not suck so bad.
(posted on my other journal too)

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-20T01:55:00

2008-01-20T06:55:46Z

I'm a very self-sacrificing person.

I'll do anything to make certain people happy.

But why?

Simply because I need constant approval.

I'm the one that pulls all that I've done for you in your face when I just want this, or just want that...

I'm so lonely right now that it's ridiculous. The thing is, it's not a new development.

I've never not been lonely.

It's a deep aching pain in my chest.

But why?

Because I can't enjoy my own company.

Because I think of myself as less than shit...

And yet, I'm better than you because I try...

How does that make any sense at all?

I am working on not over reacting...
How's that going? Well you tell me.

I'm fine and dandy for a while, ignoring the urge to call people, talk to people, wait for people... I've actually become semi-productive. Today is the first day since Monday (monday being included in this time frame) that I've practiced over an hour every day! Huzzah, what joy! Oh what joy...

And yet...

When I freak out, I freak out.

I want your attention, why won't you give it to me?
I'm throwing myself at your feet by making stupid excuses that I want to be with you..
No, I want you to want to be with me so I don't feel worthless.
By myself I am worthless.

With friends, and even more so with a significant other,
I am a necessity. I am a desire.
I am wanted, I am needed...

If I lose them, or if they don't seem to want me...

I am lost.

That hole in my heart jerks me into a frenzy... And I am helpless.
I throw myself deeper and deeper into a pit of crazy self-pity that I accentuate with "Why won't you do this and this and this and this....Please..."
But all I want is for you to show you need me. All I want is someone to show they care.

And then I am fine.

But how fine is fine when it takes all of that to get there?
When did I become so dependent on people?

Was it that tiny bit of childhood trauma where I lost everyone and had to cope? Probably that paired with my success at friends in JC and therefore my acceptance back into society so shortly after coming to the conclusion that I was worthless.

And with my particular attitude towards people, I'm guessing they don't sense this of me.
They don't get that I crave their attention more than almost anything...
Thus the reason this deep mental whatever has stayed under wraps for so long.

Alex knew he was putting me through hell and did nothing. Nick knows and he's doing nothing. Actually, I think he's doing less.
I think that's why I still care about him.

I want to love myself enough to where I don't need to see me either.
Or at least to where I don't need to see myself in other people to be happy.

I want to be happy.

And oddly enough I think Nick is helping...

Alex understood me.
But maybe that's not what I need to change?

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-18T00:48:00

2008-01-18T05:49:55Z

I am tired and sore. Not as sore as Nick with his hurt back from falling down stairs at work, but sore.

I have come to the realization that I am changing here, and that the only reason I'm ever miserable is because I'm homesick.

I kind of admitted it to Alex yesterday when I said I needed him to come visit before I went crazy.

The problem is not my friends, and the problem is not me...

The problem is being use to talking/hanging out with people I've known for over a year.

The problem is being able to know what I can ask of people, and what my limits are in those terms.

I got Kris to take me down to where my car is now at the first time around... But do I ask him to take me back? I'm certain he'd agree if/when he has the time, but how many favors is too many? When will I be getting demanding and annoying? When will I reach my limit?

I walked back home today because no one offered a ride.

Last time I didn't have a car, Mark made sure I got a ride. I had no problem with that, but there was no Mark tonight. I made hints at wanting a ride and everyone knew I didn't have a car... But I never asked for a ride, mostly because I felt it would be pushing my limit. This was enforced by The only two people that closed with cars doing 2 things. 1) trying to get out early because they had to go and 2) trying to ask anyone and everyone to take the other guy without a car home because they didn't want to do it.

He doesn't live horribly far away. It's not hard.
People are bitches.
America is in too much of a hurry.

*sigh*

I probably would have walked in JC too, except there would have been a 50% chance I was picked up by someone I knew or a 10% chance some nice random stranger would ask if I wanted a lift.

Hmm. Eh. Whatever.

I've got homework, then I need sleep.

"I too have sailed the world and seen it's wonders
And the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru

But there's no place like London."

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-14T20:49:00

2008-01-15T01:49:13Z

My god I love Sweeney Todd.

And now I have the perfect CD. For now at least, since my "perfect CD" changes frequently.

I have a data CD with Sweeney (Johnny Depp version) and Buffy the Musical and some Keane and a song called Fuck Was I or something like that. It's nice.

I think I will take a long bath and read.

I feel like reading, and yet it's hard to tell.

I'm getting better at not bitching at Nick.

This is mostly due to the fact that I believe already that I have lost him. This makes people act differently. It may just be his nature, but he's not very romantic towards me right now. Maybe when we lived together he felt obligated? That doesn't make me feel very good. Oh well.

I have a secret fear that he's cheating on me, and a secret fear that he's either just being nice or coniving and he's really just going to screw me over in the end. That's not very healthy for a relationship, but seriously. If I feel that way, I'm not going to ignore it. I'm just going to tread carefully. I'm a sucker for attention and I dislike being alone. Hmm. Yes, bad combination.

I do know that I am more subdued than most leos. Save once I know people.... Then I am full blown leo.

It probably gets annoying.

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-10T13:13:00

2008-01-10T18:13:51Z

Nick has his own apartment now.

When he texted me last night Mikelle assumed the worst, that he had no money and was going to beg to come back. Begging would have been nice, but it would have also broken my heart. Since that's not what happened, I can't say that the outcome would have been me saying no. It was leaning that way, but he opened up the conversation when he came by after work with "So. I need to grab the last of my stuff."

He got really lucky.

The land lady of the place where Carl lives let him rent a one bedroom efficiency. So smaller than my apartment with more divided space. It's 400$ a month, with no pet fee, but a 500$ a year parking fee. Good thing he has no car!

He's on the very top floor. He's got a great view of the Strip and two full length mirrors right outside the bathroom.
I told him I can just picture him posing naked.

He was high when he came over after work last night, so it took a bit to get out the reasons for his visit. He said it was because he wanted to get back together, but like always I can't accept simple things like that. I had to know why, I had to know why he said the shit he did and now expected me to take him back. It was a joint break up though. And he's still smoking pot and now he's partying with Carl. Carl's gone for the week though.

So I don't know.
How will this work out? It's hard to say.
I'm considering myself single. With a friend that gives me kisses.
I know this is too much information, but neither one of us was much into sex.

He gets man time, and I get school time.
This is the best outcome, I suppose. Unless fate decides to screw with me more.
Like always.
But whatever, you know? Fate is there for a reason, life happens like it does for a reason.

Thus I shall try and roll with the punches, and hope not to get knocked out.

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-09T14:45:00

2008-01-09T19:45:07Z

"You aren't as emotional as others today, but this doesn't mean thatyour life settles down. You are entering a new relationship phase inwhich you can be less demanding and more detached. Romance may be lessimportant now than independence. Try replacing your shifting moods witha more logical way of dealing with others."

Well shit fuck.

lady_invisible @ 2008-01-09T13:39:00

2008-01-09T18:39:17Z

Offering to let him stay just showed weakness.

He's got a meeting with a land lady and doesn't want me to talk to her.

Though she called me.

He made matinence let him in to get his charger and didn't give me the money he owes me.
I sound like a broken record. Can I please have my money? You said you'd give me the money. I don't even need the money.
Backstabbing little fool.

But then I am a fool too.
Because I'm hurt because I'm very much the bitch, the coldhearted controling bitch, he claims I am.

When I get backed into a corner I struggle to act tough. I act the bitch and I act mean.
But it's just before I collapse and cry myself to sleep.
Then the demons come and you win. I don't. I never win.

Fuck this.

Btw, my classes seem awesome so far. That's looking good, eh?