under the iron sea

Smog - I'm New Here

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:25:52 GMT

Smog - I'm New Here

No No No No
I did not become someone different
I did not want to be
But I'm new here
Will you show me around

No matter how far wrong you've gone
You can always turnaround
Met a woman in a bar
Told her I was hard to get to know
And near impossible to forget
She said I had an ego on me
The size of Texas

Well I'm new here and I forget
Does that mean big or small?

No matter how far wrong you've gone
You can always turnaround
And I'm shedding plates like a snake
And it may be crazy
But I'm the closest thing I have
To a voice of reason

Turnaround turnaround turnaround
And you may come full circle and be new here again

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:48:22 GMT

bend & break - keane

when you when you forget your name
when old faces all look the same
meet me in the morning when you wake up
meet me in the morning then you'll wake up

if only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

lovesick bitter and hardened heart
aching waiting for night waiting for life to start
meet me in the morning when you wake up
meet me in the morning then you'll wake up

if only I don't bend and break
I'll meet you on the other side
I'll meet you in the light
If only I don't suffocate
I'll meet you in the morning when you wake

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:45:44 GMT

Love Dischord - Beat Crusaders (it's japanese, thus the bad grammar)

She was standing on the sunny hill
Breathing every single pleasant feeling
Even though the world is turning lonely eyes

She decided taking funny pills
Slowly falling into shallow sleeping
Even though the world is turning lonely eyes

So sweet
I kill you
So sweet
I kill them all
Kill them all

She was standing on the sunny hill
Breathing every single pleasant feeling
Even though the world is turning lonely eyes

Don't remember who's the funny song
Don't remember who's the funny singing
Even though the world is turning lonely eyes

So sweet
I kill you
So sweet
I kill them all
Kill them all

No one ever touched her chilly feet
No one ever touched her shallow sleep

(sweet...)

So sweet
I kill you
So sweet
I kill them all
Kill them all

So sweet
I kill you
So sweet
I kill them all
Kill them all

So sweet
So sweet

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:44:23 GMT

Tremendous Dynamite - The Eels

I am
El Hombre Lobo
On the prowl for a restless night
I got her right here in my sights
Got a fuse that I can light
She's tremendous
She's dynamite!

She is
A formidable opponent
She could put up a hard-won fight
Got her head screwed on real tight
Bein' the bomb is her birthright
She's tremendous
She's dynamite!

She's tremendous dynamite

I am
El Hombre Lobo
On the prowl just past midnight
Dartin' under the town searchlights
It's all worth it to take a bite
She's tremendous
She's dynamite!

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:42:05 GMT

Wilco - Everlasting Everything

Everything alive must die
Every building built to the sky will fall
Don't try to tell me my
Everlasting love is a lie

Everlasting everything
Oh nothing could mean anything at all

Every wave that hits the shore
Every book that I adore
Gone like a circus, gone like a troubadour
Everlasting love for ever more

Oh I know this might sound sad
But everything goes both good and the bad
It all adds up and you should be glad
Everlasting love is all you have

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:54:07 GMT

Stevie Nicks - It's Only Love

I think I met my match again
Passing 'round the candlelight
In the center of this blizzard
You stood and melted all the ice

Ah, it's only love
Ah, it's only love
Ah, if only love comes around again
It will have been
Worth the ride

You were master of so many
But savior to none
I waged all of my hopes so plenty
On you, now look what I've become

Ah, it's only love
Ah, it's only love
Ah, if only love comes around again
It will have been
Worth the ride

Somedays lonely is not only
A word, but faces I have known
And if you see me, could you free me
With a smile, so I can let go

Ah, it's only love
Ah, it's only love
Ah, if only love comes around again
It will have been
Worth the ride

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 06:38:56 GMT

Keane - Love is the end

Now is the time of our comfort and plenty
These are the days we've been working for
Nothing can touch us, and nothing can hurt us
And nothing goes wrong anymore

Singing a song with your feet on the dashboard
The cigarette streaming into the night
These are the things that I want to remember
I want to remember you by

It won't come again
Cause love is the end
Oh no, my friend
Love is the end

I took off my clothes and I ran to the ocean
Looking for somewhere to start a-new
And when I was drowning in that holy water
All I could think of was you

Woah, my friend
Love is the end
So lets not pretend
Cause love is the end

Take it back, don't let it die
Or rage against the fallen night
Cause I still do, depend on you
Don't say those words, you wrung me through

Woah, oh oh
Love is the end
So lets not pretend
Cause love is the end

So I tread the only road
The only road I know
Nowhere to go, but home
Nowhere to go
Maybe our time is up
But still you can't abandon
But all the principles of love
Don't say those words
Don't say those words

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:00:37 GMT

We were born the mutants again with leafling - Of Montreal

She says I'm boring her camera
It takes more to delight the cadaver
Night eyes on icy patrol
Yours were not so Nazi feline
Mine were as dead as monks
And our particles are in motion

Night eyes producing ashes
We love to view unfortunate passions
Still, she takes my photo to bed
No mere limp verse could incite identity destruction
Our particles are in motion

Sometimes we're not legible
But we're the same strange animal
Let them say our love is peculiar, don't care

There's only now, no ever after
We won't let it end in disaster
You are my twin, no I will never go there

New layout

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:06:55 GMT

The Mountain Goats - Autoclave

Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes
As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize
Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure
You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better

I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

When I try to open up to you I get completely lost
Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost
And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn
and there’s no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no emotion that’s worth having could call my heart its home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls
On a cliff above the ocean, howling wind and shrieking seagulls
And the dream went on forever, one single static frame
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

And I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
And no one in her right mind would make her home my home
My heart’s an autoclave
My heart’s an autoclave

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:28:02 GMT

Joanna Newsom - Cosmia

when you ate I saw your eyelashes
saw them shake like wind on rushes
in the corn field when she called me
moths surround me - thought they'd drown me

and I miss your precious heart...

dried rose petal, red-brown circles
framed your eyes and stained your knuckles

and all those lonely nights down by the river
brought me bread and water (water, in)
but though I tried so hard, my little darling
I couldn't keep the night from coming in

and all those lonely nights down by the river
I was brought my bread and water by the kith and the kin
now in the quiet hour when I am sleepin'
I cannot keep the night from comin' in

why've you gone away, gone away again?
I'll sleep through the rest of my days
if you've gone away again

sleep through the rest of my days...

why've you gone away, away?
seven suns, seven suns
away, away, away, away

can you hear me? will you listen?
don't come near me, don't go missing
in the lissome light of evening
help me, Cosmia, I'm grieving

and all those lonely nights down by the river
brought me bread and water (water, in)
but though I tried so hard, my little darling
I couldn't keep the night from coming in

and all those lonely nights down by the river
I was brought my bread and water by the kith and the kin
now in the quiet hour when I am sleepin'
I cannot keep the night from comin' in

beneath the porch light, we've all been circling
beat our dust hearts, singe our flour wings
but in the corner, something is happening!
wild Cosmia, what have you seen?

water were your limbs, and the fire was your hair
and then the moonlight caught your eye
and you rose through the air
well, if you've seen true light, then this is my prayer:
will you call me when you get there?

and I miss your precious heart
and miss, and miss, and miss
and miss, and miss, and miss
and miss, and miss your heart
but release your precious heart
to its feast, for precious hearts

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:54:35 GMT

Waking up beside you - Stabbing Westward

I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 22:21:39 GMT

I haven't changed.

I'm still the same.

And all I do is whine and bitch.

No more entries until I'm happy and have something good to say.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 08:10:12 GMT

The oldest and the youngest man I've ever been attracted to have each had this certain air about them. Something that made them so interesting, so human, and something that just had us pulled together often. The time in my life where they were involved wasn't just merely the usual encounters, but random almost fateful encounters.

They are two people that I felt comfortable around, like I had nothing to prove. And yet I basked in any praise they had to give. I find these people strangely intoxicating and I find myself compelled to be near them and yet.... Eh, oh well.

In response to Jake's comment;

I think I might get a C average this semester, which for me sucks balls. It might even be worse than that.... I failed Ear Training, I got a C in theory, and either a C-D-or F in Psyche, and then A's or B's in everything else. Remember when we use to talk all the time? lol. I really miss that simply because they were good conversations. It was back when I (and it seems you) had a lot to say and could still retain decent conversational skills. I don't remember how my conversations went then, but now they're just random slurs of topics and anything I need to throw in. At work I'm random and spastic, but not big on full conversations though I'm becoming good friends with a few co-workers... And then at home I'm short and stern in my talk, or randomly and cute. Overly cute.

I feel that in this relationship and at the end of the last one I have become extremely cute. I guess that I've convinced myself that I am a disappointment to them in many ways, so I should be cute to get a smile on their faces. I just can't believe people when they say things are fine, or that I am pretty.

I do agree with Nick that I am prettier than I was, but I doubt I will ever think of myself as attractive, and until then I won't believe anyone.

I also feel distraught that my constant tiredness and my low sex drive causes problems for Nick. Hopefully you've stopped reading by now, because these are things you don't really need to know, but things I need to get off my chest.

Per usual it is I that feel inadequate with myself and without constant or forceful, yet kind, contradiction I will not believe anyone.

I believe and yet don't believe Nick.
I believe Mark.
Though this is not to say that Mark ever says anything about my appearance or my sexual tendencies... I only believe him when he tells me I did a good job as a cook though, because I value his opinion. I hardly argue points with him simply because I trust his judgment and his experiences.

Plus, he loved my donuts. What can be wrong with a guy that loves my shitty ass looking attempts at Christmas donuts... Shitty looking x-mas trees with icing drizzled around them. This new batch looks better though... However, I still put down my cooking skills because each time something goes wrong.

This time Nick knocked over the fry daddy and got oil all over the floor....

Speaking of fry daddy's and therefore kitchen appliances, I should be getting a rice cooker on Thursday, at our mock family Christmas before we go to texas. Huzzah.

This is getting long and rambly, which as I said is mainly what I'm good at now.

I don't know what I really want any more so I just scoot scooting along.

And working.
Yeah.

I go to work @ 9. Yeay. Sleep time.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:48:17 GMT

Oh. Before I watch bleach, I think I want to do a "year in review"

The first line of the first entry of every month this year, 2007.

JAN - Ahhh. The glorious smell of a new year.

FEB - Death always strikes me as funny.

MARCH - Note:I Hate FlipFlops.

APRIL - As my grandmother would say, Murphy's Law strikes again!

MAY - Just finished the last of my exams. Woo!

JUNE - So, this is it. Tomorrow we rent a u-haul and pack up.

JULY - A job! A JOB! YES!

AUG - I finished Blood+ so I thought I'd update.

SEPT - "Night has draped it’s cape of stars, Over our small town"

OCT - All's good in the neighborhood.

NOV - Murphy's Law is a bitch. I best not say that though, since he could get madder at me and the third part in this woeful tale could be ungodly horrible.

DEC - I recall two very odd, but not completely unusual dreams that I had last night while drinking my raspberry flavored coffee that does nothing more than taste good.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:12:43 GMT

I enjoy my job.

I enjoy the rush of the kitchen, and soon I will be familiar enough with it to stop asking questions.

I miss friends though.

And I want to learn, finish college, and travel.

I love all that more than my job, but my job is so new... So fresh.

The rest of this stuff is stagnant. And if I know anything about myself, it's that I can't take the same thing for too long. Maybe it was where I was so picky as a child, and maybe it's just part of my screwed up sub conscious, but I cannot stand to do the same thing forever. I get bored. I learn it all, and then I grow weary.

It happens with music, it happens with food, it happens with tv, it happens with people...

So obviously it happens with school and with cello, with learning psyche and going to canada.

Too long has my mind been filled with dreams of this and that. I want something new, something fresh.

Too long has my time been spent dreaming, and now I want to do things, to explore things and oppourtunities.

This also equals me doing things different from my dreams due to the fact that they are what I tire of....

My mind makes no sense, and yet methodical sense.

I'm a very predictable person, but only over long spans of time.

Like random selection of anything.... Generalize or glance at a broad enough span and there, bam. A pattern.

In fact, that's one thing I've always known about this world. Or at least something I've known for a while.
Everything is a pattern. Everything fits. Whether this is due to someone planning it all out or not... Meh.

I don't feel like it's planned out though. I feel as if it was meant to be this way in the sense that someone that knows better than we do how things should turn out is governing the course of events. Or maybe due to the recycling of souls, due to reincarnation, we just subconsciously have a cycle down. We are programed to act a certain way, and the world responds.

Like something not programed would be me hitting or shooting someone randomly, and without reason.
That wouldn't work.
The world knows that, and I know that.
So I do what I do and the world accepts that.

No matter what this world throws at me.
I do what I do.
And the world accepts that.

Ahh. I miss contemplating every moment of my life. Now I'm too busy doing things and living a life that's not really full of much.

I do enjoy my job though.
And I do enjoy Bleach.

I'm about to watch ep. 151 and then laze about the house. Possibly studying, hopefully practicing cello.

Who knows? We'll see.
We'll also see me at Ruby Tuesdays at 8am sharp. lol.

I hate Ruby's, but I enjoy my job.

BAWABAWA!

Jaa matta.

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:04:06 GMT

I'm updating all my layouts and I'm procrastinating. I love making layouts more than I love writing a psych paper that's due in 4 hours. Damn. I suck.

I have also lost my ability to communicate to people.

Jake commented on my facebook yesterday and I replied with a silly slightly rambly little comment. Goddamnit. I hate not having friends. I only talk to Nick and people I work with. Though I also talk to David and now I am talking to Stephanie Sees and Alex again. I think that's sad.

They moved on, right? I should to.

I just miss Alex listening to every rambly little thing that I say. Alex still knows me best, even if I broke his heart.

*sigh* This is just the entry to start the new layout.

I'm still watching Bleach. Hah! I'm on ep. 147 I believe. And it's only up to 151 and counting... Yeay. I love that show.

My stomach hurts. I should eat something...

Ja matta.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:34:18 GMT

So.

I recall two very odd, but not completely unusual dreams that I had last night while drinking my raspberry flavored coffee that does nothing more than taste good.

In one (I won't say first simply because in my memory they seem interchangeable as to which happened first....) I am cooking. This is the one that's not unusual because every time I start a new job I always have dreams about preforming those tasks all night long. It's not helpful for a restful night sleep, but it seems to be normal for me. So I was rushing around pantry at Ruby's cooking and pressing buttons and setting up plates... Bleh. I still have the tight feeling in my stomach of being rushed.

Just for update's sake, I'm officially a pantry cook now. There is pantry and grill side at Ruby's. So I get to deep fry and microwave my ass off all day pretty much. It's not hard, and I'm making 8$ an hour. I'm going to hopefully try for 9, but we'll see. They were in desperate need of another cook because they needed one a few weeks ago, and then they had to fire another one. So. My first week's schedule? Monday through Sunday, non-stop. I trained to close Monday Tuesday and today, and then I close by myself tomorrow. Then Friday and Saturday I work garden bar and expo, and Sunday I have an opening shift on Pantry. Woo.

This is where my x-mas money is coming from. Yeay!

It'll help a lot since I'll be going to Texas for a week-ish. Chelsie is graduating and Uncle Scott has cancer.

That feels a little odd to type.

I hate cancer, and I love my uncle. I'm also very apathetic by nature and apathetic towards the seriousness of cancer since the TV dramas have all over done the seriousness of it. Every traumatic episode, "Oh god, he's got... CANCER"

It got old.

Plus, I only learned recently that Scott has cancer, and no one mentioned the details, so I really have no clue what's going on. I just know that we're driving up there for x-mas this year, which I have nothing against seeing as I really want a break.

Oh yeah, the second dream... It's Nick and I driving across country or to somewhere far away and we're buying food at all these stores that we've never eaten at before... And one ticket comes up to 81$ and something and it's horrible. The food isn't, as far as I know because the dream ended before we even got the food. But it's this fast food place and we order a normal amount of food and it's 81$ and asks about how much you want to tip.... Gah. It was horrible.

Besides all that, I have finals next week. I might be able to pull some passing grades out of my ass... But it's very unlikely for two of them. I know I have to retake one, but my schedule's so packed already that I'll probably wait until next fall. Then I'll start my musicology and my ear training. *sigh*

I'm definitely going to be here for 3 years, if I can make it that long.

I'm slowly getting out of my rut where I was completely unmotivated, but meh. Things are still looking grim.

I am getting my hood replaced soon, or at least we've made arrangements for such a thing to happen, but who's to say how that will work out? Besides that my car seems okay. We're going to be getting it a new battery before or after I get back from Texas, and then there's all those presents to buy. More this year than last year I guess... And more addresses to send x-mas cards to since everyone is dying to know about my big move.

*shrugs*

I'm off to take a shower, and then to go pay bills.
Yeay.

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 22:49:19 GMT

I'm eating hot tamales and practicing cello at mom's house right now.

These past few weeks have been very odd. I don't know whether to be on the verge of crying or bursting with joy and thankfulness. So I stick with a calm happy exterior and an inner don't care with it's own inner "LOVE ME".

Don't you love that inner-inner feeling? The feeling that you usually ignore or over power with the outer-inner. And it makes sense. Perhaps its a part of growning up, part of the whole development of the id, the ego, and the super ego.

I believe its the ego that is I Want. The id is I Need and the super-ego is the I Know. I think. I know that one is suppose to be what makes us rational human beings. I know that one makes us want to satisfy our desires and one that makes us want what we need, like food.

The idea I am getting at is that I Want love, I Want happiness, I Want a perfect little world where I'm lavished with affection and don't have to pay bills or worry about fixing my car. However, I am grown up enough to Know that I must do what I must do.

I was being an extreme little prick at the begining of this semester.

I hurt people, I was stupid, I've endangered my scholarships... And now what? I still sit around and understand the fact that I MUST do this. I must get through school. All my petty feelings towards school and all my silly desires to just sit in peaceful silence all day are merely fantasies.

I knew all this when I was younger. I knew all of this last year when I went through the last of my community college. But this semester... I tried so hard to convince myself otherwise. I was so tired, I was so beaten down by something... Life I suppose. *shrugs*

I sat around and wasted time and just COULDN'T do anything. I would try and try. I would pump myself up, and then run from my obligations as much as I could. I've schirked my obligations. I've dissapointed myself.

I've hurt people.

I guess that's something I feel realyl horrible about. After all my time in high school attempting to be friends with people and get out of my introverted shell... I abandoned it all and I've ended up alone.

Now, this has nothing to do with my current or previous living situations. I know I hurt Alex and I feel bad for it, but it had to be done. I couldn't go on faking sexual attraction (which was there at one point, I suppose, but it was gone) and I couldn't go on arguing with him all the time. I hated crying all the time and yelling, I suppose. However I'm in the same situation now.

I'm taking Alex's advice though. I'm telling Nick everything that I'm feeling. He may get annoyed by it, but I think it helps in the end.

Every once in a while I miss Alex, and I want him as my friend. I'm working towards that. I know only one thing that Alex does better than Nick, and that's listen to me. I love to ramble and ramble, and I'm currently not very comfortable doing that with Nick.

It's not a bad thing, because I think that's what friends are for. They can listen to you blab on about absolutely nothing. Nick is good for talking about actual things. It's helping me discover what I need to blab on about and when I need to just think. I don't know really... Being with Nick is odd.

It's wonderful, and it's a learning experience.

We have more fun than fighting, though we do fight, but only about silly things and that's mostly just because both of us have a tendency to feel threatened by slight vocal changes or certain phrases.

*time passes*

Oh, I got distracted. Woo. It happens. *shrugs*

I will lastly mention the worst (so far) of Murphy's Law...

My hood came up and smashed my windshield while I was driving on the highway.

I've paid 202.12 for a windshield, 63 for a towing fee, and soon 60+ more for a new battery. I've heard rumor that my grandmother is going to be getting me a newer car... But the outcome is doubtful since everyone else in the family needs more help than just a new car. So I'll just fix up mine and make it last until I can by one myself. Beside, I love my car! I don't want it to go anywhere.

Well, now I must practice somemore cello and eat some food stuffs before 6:30.

Laters.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 13:38:31 GMT

Murphy's Law is a bitch. I best not say that though, since he could get madder at me and the third part in this woeful tale could be ungodly horrible.

So, I had that bad feeling the other day. The one that is always followed by something bad.

I got into a fender bender, one worse than last time. My hood's fucked up, but besides that there's not much damage. Never met the girl I hit. We tried to turn off the road and meet, but it never happened. So I just went on to work because I was already running right on time/late.

Then this morning I wake up to a drip that's louder than the one that's in the sink and ask Nick to check it out. It's still supposedly the sink, he says, so then the alarm goes off and I go over and check the sink, only to step in a puddle of water and get hit on the head by a drip from the cealing.

The girl upstairs has a leak that's worse than mine, and her sink over flowed. Joy.

So, two down. One more to go.

And we wait.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 21:24:38 GMT

*sigh* All better now.

I made more money this morning that I did all day yesterday. It's sad.

I'm now addicted to Heroes. Damn.
Just like me, always getting addicted to things late in the game. *shrugs*

Now it's back to work to go. La de da.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 03:23:25 GMT

Depression is a rediculous thing.

I guess as I get older the fact that happy must follow sad makes the sadness worse... Gives it less meaning I suppose. Like when I was younger I felt the world was going to be over, everything wasdoomed, and I would cry and cry and cry... I felt better afterwards though.

Now I just get a deeper pit in my stomach when I think, "Damnit, not again."

Then I get this drifting feeling of "How will I get from here to there?" and I ponder what the hell I'm doing with my life.

But in the end there's nothing I can do but wait it out.

This is when I eat lots of food and watch a lot of pointless TV.

It's a distraction, while my mind is numb...

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 14:34:53 GMT

I love Ireland.

Mark is continually interesting to talk to and I'm pretty sure I have a non-sexual attraction crush on him.

It's a very odd experience, seeing as I'm not wanting him to hold me or anything like normal crushes. I just want him to talk to me and confide in me.

When he does talk to me, I feel special. There's rarely an awkward moment. I think to myself however that this is because he is a grown man, he is someone who has moved past all the petty drama that lies within human relationships.

Thus I admire him more. Is this what we call an idol? A mentor?

The logical answer is that it's a crush, but then I'm not doing what I normally do. I'm not fighting for his attention, droning on about stupid things and the like. I'm not hoping I look good for work so I look good for him. I'm not changing anything in personality or appearance in hope of his recognition.

I still work as fast as I always have, and only give myself two "If this happens" speeches at the end of the night.

"If this happens" speeches meaning I go about doing one thing and I will only veer off course and, for example, give Mark a ride home if he shows up while I'm doing this. In the history of my pathetic flirt attempts, not-so-random chance encounters such as these were things I tried to make happen so many times it's pathetic.

Also, I am completely happy in my relationship with Nick.

Nick and I are hardly ever mad at each other long. I feel safe in his arms. I feel completely loved around him and I feel loving towards him. Though after what I did to Alex I can hardly find it easy to believe myself when I say I am in love.

I can say it, and I do say it. Because I know that I am the type of person that will mean it until I can't mean it, then I won't say it. Yet, I find myself hesitant when I say I love you to Nick. I hate that, because I know he's the type of guy that deserves to hear that from someone every once in a while.

So what? Do I or do I not love Nick?

The answer is simple.

I care deeply about Nick and see no reason to contemplate life without him.
Unlike with Alex, I don't feel pressured and slightly obligated to perform sexual activities and trust more in his view of me as a beautiful person.

This may sound odd... But that stuff means a lot to me. I mean, I've never felt "forced" to do any kind of sexual favor for any man, but I guess you could say I've felt pressured by the rules of relationship etiquette. Doesn't mean I felt like that all the time... Just sometimes. With Nick? At first, a little. Now? Not so much. I say no and that's just no. Then later on, we have sexual relations because I want them to happen. Or something. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, the other thing is that I hardly ever trust what people think about me. I believe my own personal opinion about myself (doesn't everyone?) and even when I would wear something because a boyfriend said I looked nice in it, I still felt foolish and out of sorts in it. With Nick? No. In fact, he has better fashion sense than I do.

And I miss him right now.

I know I'll see Mark tomorrow, and Paul, and TA, and I look foward to that because I love my Ruby cooks.

Though I should be seeing Nick now. And I missed Nick at work. I don't miss Mark now, but when Nick's not here... I always seem to miss him. It's not the noticeable miss, or the trying to remind myself to miss him miss, it's the you-don't-realize-it-till-he-walks-through-the-door miss.

Then it's all yeay.

And he's probably still working, poor baby.

I miss my baby.

Now I shall go occupy my time with some tidying up before my baby gets home.

Yeay yeay.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:35:39 GMT

It's finally fall outside.

The leaves are changing color and it's cool outside, though doubtful how long that will last in this stupid state. lol. It flip flops back and forth so much that it's ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm taking a day off. Sort of. I'm lazing about, skipping class. I've got a lot better at not doing that here recently, and I'm proud of myself. I have a plan of what I'm doing next semester and everything, I'm just worried about what my advisor might say or what the school of music might say about my failures this semester. *shrugs*

Won't know till it happens, right?

Besides that, I'm just trying to have one of those days that everyone needs every once in a while. The do nothing, no agenda type days where you remember all those things you forgot to do. Yup yup. Nick's watching 28 Days Later and I'm baking pumpkin seeds. Done with that now though, thus the entry post.

I've got money now, with financial aid, so I'm not worried about bills. I'm trying to earn up money though, so I don't have to use very much of the financial aid.

Nick's finally got a job, at least we think so. He starts today, we hope.

I'm playing for my solo class and then we're going to get some of his stuff from his house. His mom kicked him out again and this time we think it's final.

I won't trust her ever again, even though it's not like I trusted her very much to begin with.

I believe, however, that I am slowly turning into a modern version of my grandmother. I have an uncanny way of making it through and doing what my heart desires (knock on wood and all that stuff because the fates may be listening...) and I have an addiction to coffee and irish men.

Thus the point of this entry, I suppose.

I wanted to post about a guy I work with, named Mark. I don't know his last name, and I don't know where he comes from, but he's a very interesting person. He's irish, thus the grandmother reference since if I wasn't dating Nick and Mark wasn't 36 years old I'd probably want to date him. Hell, I've already got a crush on him, I'm just above petty high school crushes. Haha. Well, maybe not if I'm letting him get to me.

Anyway, this guy is 36, he's never had a kid, been married at least once, and has been working in the food business for 20 years. He has amazing stories, and an awesome view on a lot of things like religion and the way the world works. He's random and cracks me up, plus everyone at work loves him.

Now, this wasn't an entry to blab about my secret feelings towards someone besides Nick. I've told Nick all about this and he agrees with me, but I also said that there was no physical attraction (which there isn't).

This is an entry about a guy that seems to be one of those that might just drift through life without any big plans. No hopes, no dreams, or at least none that survived his simplistic life. He's got no kids, and doesn't appear to want any. So who will remember him when he's gone? It's not that 36 is old, mind you, just that my grandmother drilled it into my head that I need to achieve my goals before that.

So what will happen to him? Will he continue to cook for the rest of his life? Then die, drift out of memory without a trace... Will no one remember him and the slight excitement he brought to a dull workplace?

Who knows?

And that was followed by me thinking exactly what I plan to leave behind in this life, and if large dreams like those I've assumed I will achieve are just a waste. Maybe I just need to enjoy the hear and now and not worry about that.

That is what I have started doing at least.

I've become some mad combination of those that drop out of school and get a job and start a life right then and there and those that dedicate every moment to their school work thinking that it's the only way they'll get anywhere in life.

Does that make me normal? To be a strange balance? Or does that make me abnormal?

*sigh*

Oh how I wish for the time and the money to just go out into the beautiful countryside of somewhere and relax for a few days.
No job, no agenda, no worries.

Eh. Maybe someday.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 18:18:14 GMT

Okay, real update now. I think I left off in my life with me freaking out when Nick wasn't home. Well, he was. That's all okay now. We've been staying together all the time since then. I've started attending my classes more often except my theory class... I'm worried that theory and ear training may be the end of me just because I haven't attended many classes. Ear training isn't worth much, so that might be okay. Theory on the other hand... I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail that class. He dislikes people who aren't there to learn and I just haven't felt in the mood for learning, although theory and Japanese both interest me a tremendous ammount.

I'm slowly trying to conquer my fear of public performance in cello, but it's not going so well. I'm not practicing as much as I should.

So one would think that with my lack of enthusiasm towards music theory and ear training and cello that I would be in the process of reconsidering my major... And yet... Every time I think it over, run it through my head again and again... I just think of music and psychology as a major. I don't know what else I would do. I'd have to start from scratch with something I'll only have potential to be good at and enjoy... So I think I'll stick with what I've got.

I'm good for now. I'm understanding myself, and I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. I'm telling it like it is and I'm not making excuses for things like skipping class, just because I think the teachers have better things to do with their time.

And I'm watching Lain again.

I bought it. Ohhh yeah.

Next is Elfen Lied. Yeay.

I can't get anymore out of my head right now, so I'm just going to go practice a little bit. Mmm. Sounds like a plan.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:22:25 GMT

All's good in the neighborhood.

Nick's mom is still crazy, and she's getting annoying, but I can deal.

Nick's super awesome though and we're still having a hell of a good time.

We're about to watch Aquateen Hungerforce Colon the Movie for Theaters

Hells yeah.

Life is good.

...But midterms are about to come up.
That will suck major ass.

Besides that, life is awesome.

Laterz.